Writing, My Cross Connection, and Class

It has been a while since I posted an actual blog entry. My past few have been poems and my usual drunken (yet written while sober) New Years post. As such, I thought I'd give some kind of new update on things.

In regards to writing, all I can say is that I haven't done much. Last week, my laptop's AC adapter broke off and fell into my laptop. At the moment, I'm fighting my sister and my mother for access to their computer while waiting for the loaner laptop I've been given to be wiped clean. I've done little work in Valley and no work in Fourteen Days. As for Poetry and Stories 2, that was put on an indefinite hold. I've written some poetry since my last post, so I suppose I can say that I have at least done SOME writing.

In regards to music, that has been moving along splendidly. At the moment, My Cross Connection is "headlining" a small music fest currently planned for May. We also feel ready to start moving on for other gigs. Of course, that also means a future trip to Guitar Center soon for new gear. Always a fun thing for musicians to do. Hopefully I'll have the money to buy a Strat during it.

We're also busy working on the next album. While we are still far from recording, there are eight songs we have on the docket for the second album, two of which are from your's truly. There is a third song I wrote that might find itself on the album, but that is still in the air. This next set of songs have something for everyone, from country to an almost Nine Inch Nails sound. Probably didn't think you could have "Christian" and "Nine Inch Nails" be in the same description.

And finally, we have classes. It's my eighth full semester at COD, and so far I am doing alright in them. I'm trying to get as much of my English supplemental work out of the way so I have time to deal with my speech class. I got a good feeling about this semester. I actually have all the books I need (sort of), and plan on staying on top of things.

Lets hope in four months when I get my final grades, I can say the same thing...

...oh, and as always, I'm still single. Maybe I'll meet someone this semester. Maybe...

...can always hope...

...maybe...?

...yeah, I'm not holding my breath either...

Why Oh God?

Written while my sister was in Loma Linda last week. Written as a prayer to God regarding my sister's sickness.


Why Oh God?

Why oh God is this happening
Is this because of my sins
If that's true than this I ask
Why to her and not to me

Once before I asked this question
Receive an answer I knew not
Why Should I question You
Though valid question I believe it is

Read before of same things
David's son taken young
I do not want that to happen
Though better place I know she'd be

I cannot help her have no skill
Music and writing cannot save her
Medicine and science it will take
Knowledge of them I have not

I cannot help her kills me so
It tortures my soul every day
It haunts my dreams every night
Pictures of carrying a child's coffin

Why oh God is this happening
Why is she going through it
She loves You Lord with all her heart
So what purpose does this have

Most people would have left
If they went through what she does
She's never faltered in her faith
She's staying true even now

Are You doing this to test
One of us for a reason
Do not know what it is
That you need to test her for

I ask you when my Lord my God
When will this test be over
How far will you push her Lord
How much more must she endure

Her whole life she has to look
But thirteen and barely started
What possible reason could there be
To put her through such a thing

Why oh God is this happening
Why is it her and not me
Why my God can I not
Take that burden in her place

I am a sinner of the worst
Upon me would no one question
Why these things would be happening
Answer obvious to us all

I may have changed that is true
To You I have turned again
But still a sinner of the worst
I've been forgiven but I can't forget

I still fall into my old sins
What to stop and yet I don't
So no surprise then would there be
If to me her sickness fell

Want this sickness I do not
But take that cup in a heartbeat
To free her from her horrid pain
I would do anything

Why oh God is this happening
How can this serve Your purpose
How can this be Your will
Why does she go through this

Heal her fully of this sickness
You can do with but a touch
I beg You please my Lord my God
Heal her fully of this sickness

I ask You why my Lord my God
Do you not heal of this sickness
How can this serve Your purpose
How can this be Your will

Your purpose and will we cannot know
It's not for us to understand
Have faith and trust in You I know
Is all that I can do for her

I know that You can heal her Lord
I know in time You will heal her
Until then all I can do
Is wait and pray for her health

Heal her fully of this sickness
You can do with but a touch
I beg You please my Lord my God
Heal her fully of this sickness

-Sean Arseo

Here We Are Once Again

Here we are in the dying hour of the year 2010, and once again I'm writing a blog about it. I read my old post I wrote a year ago, and I must say that things did not come out like I expected them to. I remember saying that my birthday would bring one drink of vodka and then I would never touch the stuff again. While I may not be an alcholic, I do drink a bit (had a rum and coke with dinner, and will probably have another one here soon to ring in the new year). I said I would be at a four-year in Riverside by this time. Well, I screwed up my audition, so I'm still stuck at good ol' College of the Desperate...I mean Desert. I had said that I hoped to have a decent paying job and a girlfriend. Jobs were a bust and the girlfriend told me I was am a horrible friend and would have been a worse boyfriend not one week ago.

Wow...at least I can't say I didn't live life a little this past year. Sure, I haven't partied and gotten so drunk that I don't remember how I got into bed with some complete stranger (dodged that bullet earlier in the year), but I did drink. I've gambled a bit.

My year, save turning twenty-one back in May, was pretty dull until September rolled around, and I joined My Cross Connection. That has been my year thus far. In the time since, things have started to fall into place. I've changed churchs, actually found God this time, and found new possiblities that I didn't know were there until now.

So here I am...same place I was last year and the year before, listening to the same song. I'm still in the same place, the same room. I'm still single, hence sitting alone in a room writing this. Every year, I tell myself that I will be somewhere else, that I won't be single. And every time it comes down to the actual writing of these little things, I am alone in the same place.

So next year...2011. I don't know. I know that next year, I will hopefully be recording a few songs that I wrote. I would like to have Fourteen Days complete enough that I can start looking for agents by this time next year. I'd like to actually...

Yeah, key words..."I'd like" really do seem to show what kind of mentallity I have. I would like to have a girlfriend this time next year, a job this time next year, be in a school that's not COD this time next year. I know I can do the first and the last one easily enough. I know that if I suck it up I could have a job tomorrow. But I've had enough of crap relationships, nor do I really care to have another FWB type of relationship. I don't want to go back to them. And I would not be able to sanely pay off the loans I would need to get for just one year and all but one of the places I can get in to (ironically enough the place I'm feeling pulled to).

So where does that leave me?

A lot has happened this past year. A lot of crap things have happened this year. And yet, in a strange way, a lot of good has happened as well. There has been a lot of change happen for me in the past few months, really starting from the moment I walked in Desert Foursquare there in PDHS and met those people. Now yeah, there is still a lot of work I need to have happen. It's caused part of me to wonder if it means I'm truly meant to be alone like I've thought many many times over the past few years (ironically enough...on New Years Eve...probably why I barricade myself in my room).

A part of her parting comment to my a week ago was true. Part of me really does feel the need to be alone. Maybe it's to protect someone, I don't know. The way I see it, if I screw up and fail, then the only person who will suffer is me. There will be no wife and kids that I will be responsible for. And yet at the same time, I don't want to be alone.

Wow...believe it or not, I'm not drunk (yet). I'm still sober (for the moment). Don't really have enough rum to get drunk on rum and cokes, and I don't really care for OJ so there will be no screwdrivers in my immidiate future. Guess I could always drink the vodka straight up. Seems like as good a night as any to get completely shitfaced drunk and try and forget the past few years...months...weeks...

...days...

I don't know what the future holds for me. I know this house will be silent the next time my sister has to go to Loma Linda for something other than her remecade treatments because of my dog dying last week (Christmas morning, actually). I know that in my heart, I do believe 2011 will be a better year.

In the dying minutes of 2010, I find myself in shock. So much has happened in all honesty that I find myself surprised I'm still as sane as I am. And know that it has all just begun. The year 2010 had myself relying on myself to get things done, and in my pride I failed. I think it's time to change that.

For 2011, I plan to not rely on myself for things. I've done that, and it failed. It's time I start to live my life for God, and pray for the strength I need to get through the day. That is what I need to do now.

Last year, I was listening to Wish You Were Here as I wrote this, Pink Floyd's somber song. This year, I thinking I'm going to rock out with The Time Has Come by Hillsong.

Let that be my attitude for 2011.

Here's to 2010. The changes have started, and thank God for that.

Here's to 2011, where those changes will see fruit.

-Sean Arseo
11:58pm, December 31, 2010

First New Poem for Poetry and Stories, vol. 3

Below is the first new poem written for Poetry and Stories, vol. 3 (number 2 is still being worked on by Amazon I'm guessing). This was written starting Christmas night and just finished.

Alone Again
How Ironic

Alone I am once again
Terrible friend I have become
Lovers but once dead of night
Never again can not take back

Time and again I am alone
My own doing usually is
Have I learned from all this
Know I must or alone I'll be

Your parting comment still rings deep
Haunting me in sleepless night
Know it is truth you do speak
Hurts me more than yells and screams

Parting words I wish I had
Tell you my fault it was not
Tell you how it was yours
Strung me along like a fool

Maybe remind you of the time
When that trust first was broken
Remember then I'm sure you do
You yelled at me for helping you

Break apart we started then
Far more distant we became
Six months later it was over
Never again will we speak

Alone you said I would be
My own fault you said it was
Terrible friend I have become
Lovers but once never again

So what have I learned from all this
Can not change the past I know
Try and fix this several times
Never enough it was to late

Was it worth it after all
Knowing you all this time
My innocence with you I lost
Enjoyed it then and now regret

I did not lie to you when
Told you I was falling for you
Maybe that was what did it
Ended it for both of us

Always seemed to hit a wall
Come this closer but no closer
Emotions never given back
Always led to one conclusion

Fake emotions they must have been
Products of that lonely night
Constant reminder of my sins
Committed just to forget

Love you I could never do
Let me love you you did not
Refused to love me from day one
Friends with benefits instead we seemed

Wish those nights had not happened
Wish I had not taken that call
Wish we had crossed that line
Maybe then you'd still be here

Alone forever you said I'd be
My own fault you said it'd be
The truth I know is what you speak
Never a riddle comes from you

Do I care if I'm alone
Don't really know if I do
Seems to change day to day
With the setting of the sun

Loved by someone I so guess
Want to feel once again
Thought that maybe you were her
Seems I was wrong once again

So here I am once again
Alone but for pen and paper
How ironic I find that
Full circle now have I come

Forget you I know I must do
Make it easy I know you will
You say I ignored you all this time
When in truth you were ignoring me

Insomnia's a Bitch...

I don't care what anyone says, but insomnia's a bitch. Yeah, I may be trying to turn over a new leaf and what not, but I needed to say that.

Anyways, it's been far to long since I've posted anything. Tomorrow (provided I get it all set and finalized prior to 11:59pm PST/PDT/WhateverTimeZoneItIs tomorrow night), I will be publishing my second book for the Kindle. Yeah, I'm trying electronic publishing now.

Provided that service seems to go well, I have plans to release Poetry and Ethics on it in January completely EDITED. Note that I said edited, not rewritten. That will follow.

Sometime within 2011, I plan to release Ethics: Protector Edition. This book will be an extened version of Ethics and include more detail, character descriptions, and maybe a subplot I'm considering.

At this time, I am considering publishing all of the future volumes of Poetry and Stories to the Kindle for $5-$10 depending on just HOW their contracts work. I may also continue the storyline left open at the end of Ethics on the Kindle as well.

In other news, the band I joined is going well. Go and buy their first CD, Smile Meter by My Cross Connection. We're getting that first CD nailed down to perfection for concerts and possible touring, as well as ironing out new songs, two of which will be written my myself. Check us out and listent to songs from the CD over at MySpace.com/mycrossconnection.

More news will follow, including my Christmas post, as well as my usual New Years Eve rant where I complain about being single. This year is looking to be no different. Can always hope for next year, though.

Gearing Up

Well, it's only a few short weeks until November 1st, and with it comes the start of National Novel Write Month (NaNoWriMo) 2010. This year, I will be working on my first Christian novel, Fourteen Days.

In other news, it's an even year, so my insomnia is kicking in. Bad news is, it's starting far to soon.

Best Public Domain Song EVER

In 1978, Romero gave us Dawn of the Dead, his socio-comentary on consumerism in America. In that movie was a piece of music that has become known to zombie fans that world over for it's comical and almost child-like sound. This piece is of course "The Gonk" and plays during the end credits while showing the zombies retaking the mall.

Come to find out the other day that "The Gonk" is public domain. It is now playing on my laptop and will become the status-quo for writing zombie stories.

For those that don't now what it is, here is a YouTube video showing it: