Here We Are Once Again

Here we are in the dying hour of the year 2010, and once again I'm writing a blog about it. I read my old post I wrote a year ago, and I must say that things did not come out like I expected them to. I remember saying that my birthday would bring one drink of vodka and then I would never touch the stuff again. While I may not be an alcholic, I do drink a bit (had a rum and coke with dinner, and will probably have another one here soon to ring in the new year). I said I would be at a four-year in Riverside by this time. Well, I screwed up my audition, so I'm still stuck at good ol' College of the Desperate...I mean Desert. I had said that I hoped to have a decent paying job and a girlfriend. Jobs were a bust and the girlfriend told me I was am a horrible friend and would have been a worse boyfriend not one week ago.

Wow...at least I can't say I didn't live life a little this past year. Sure, I haven't partied and gotten so drunk that I don't remember how I got into bed with some complete stranger (dodged that bullet earlier in the year), but I did drink. I've gambled a bit.

My year, save turning twenty-one back in May, was pretty dull until September rolled around, and I joined My Cross Connection. That has been my year thus far. In the time since, things have started to fall into place. I've changed churchs, actually found God this time, and found new possiblities that I didn't know were there until now.

So here I am...same place I was last year and the year before, listening to the same song. I'm still in the same place, the same room. I'm still single, hence sitting alone in a room writing this. Every year, I tell myself that I will be somewhere else, that I won't be single. And every time it comes down to the actual writing of these little things, I am alone in the same place.

So next year...2011. I don't know. I know that next year, I will hopefully be recording a few songs that I wrote. I would like to have Fourteen Days complete enough that I can start looking for agents by this time next year. I'd like to actually...

Yeah, key words..."I'd like" really do seem to show what kind of mentallity I have. I would like to have a girlfriend this time next year, a job this time next year, be in a school that's not COD this time next year. I know I can do the first and the last one easily enough. I know that if I suck it up I could have a job tomorrow. But I've had enough of crap relationships, nor do I really care to have another FWB type of relationship. I don't want to go back to them. And I would not be able to sanely pay off the loans I would need to get for just one year and all but one of the places I can get in to (ironically enough the place I'm feeling pulled to).

So where does that leave me?

A lot has happened this past year. A lot of crap things have happened this year. And yet, in a strange way, a lot of good has happened as well. There has been a lot of change happen for me in the past few months, really starting from the moment I walked in Desert Foursquare there in PDHS and met those people. Now yeah, there is still a lot of work I need to have happen. It's caused part of me to wonder if it means I'm truly meant to be alone like I've thought many many times over the past few years (ironically enough...on New Years Eve...probably why I barricade myself in my room).

A part of her parting comment to my a week ago was true. Part of me really does feel the need to be alone. Maybe it's to protect someone, I don't know. The way I see it, if I screw up and fail, then the only person who will suffer is me. There will be no wife and kids that I will be responsible for. And yet at the same time, I don't want to be alone.

Wow...believe it or not, I'm not drunk (yet). I'm still sober (for the moment). Don't really have enough rum to get drunk on rum and cokes, and I don't really care for OJ so there will be no screwdrivers in my immidiate future. Guess I could always drink the vodka straight up. Seems like as good a night as any to get completely shitfaced drunk and try and forget the past few years...months...weeks...

...days...

I don't know what the future holds for me. I know this house will be silent the next time my sister has to go to Loma Linda for something other than her remecade treatments because of my dog dying last week (Christmas morning, actually). I know that in my heart, I do believe 2011 will be a better year.

In the dying minutes of 2010, I find myself in shock. So much has happened in all honesty that I find myself surprised I'm still as sane as I am. And know that it has all just begun. The year 2010 had myself relying on myself to get things done, and in my pride I failed. I think it's time to change that.

For 2011, I plan to not rely on myself for things. I've done that, and it failed. It's time I start to live my life for God, and pray for the strength I need to get through the day. That is what I need to do now.

Last year, I was listening to Wish You Were Here as I wrote this, Pink Floyd's somber song. This year, I thinking I'm going to rock out with The Time Has Come by Hillsong.

Let that be my attitude for 2011.

Here's to 2010. The changes have started, and thank God for that.

Here's to 2011, where those changes will see fruit.

-Sean Arseo
11:58pm, December 31, 2010