To "Tanya"

This is the longest poem I've written to date, coming in at four hundred twenty-eight (428) lines, and a month to finish.



Cannot believe how times has flown
Since that day so long ago
It's been five years since the day
Biggest mistake I've ever made

How could I have known at the time
Just all that you would do to me
I had no idea at the time
That you would drive me to brink of death

At the time all was good
On this day five years ago
The world seemed brighter because of you
In truth but the calm before the storm

I could not know how things have gone
Those days were lonely just like now
I was weak in those days unlike now
Truly innocent I was in those days

It was this day five years ago
When those words at first I uttered
How I wish I never did
I love you not for lies you were

At the time the love was hidden
Parents I knew would always fight
I know all that was what would happen
So I love you not was what I said

In those days the love was innocent
There was no way I could have known
Did not listen to those who know
Wish I had but cannot go back

Maybe then the love was real
I cannot say if it was
In those days I was young
There is no way I can know

In those days we always plot
Think of ways that we could meet
Dreamt of ways we could stay
Stupid foolish they all were

Thinking back upon those days
I cannot fathom how we did
We fell in love or so I thought
Now in hindsight I know the truth

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty
I say bullshit to all of them
Of course we know in the end
Does not help us when needed most

Those days were innocent that is true
I lived here and you lived there
Thousand miles lay between
There was nothing that could be done

The sexuality was greatly stunted
Save for webcams that exchanged
Said the things that we would do
Were it not for thousand miles

The days of innocence would not last
Fell apart before a year
That night I'm sure you remember
The night you know changed it all

You claimed rape is what they did
I believe you at the time
You had no reason to lie to me
I loved you and you loved me

In the nights and days that passed
I often thought of that night
Things have often made no sense
Love had blinded but no longer

Were you raped on that night
By that bastard with a gun
You said they drugged you made you drink
But you were able to talk straight

I cannot know if it were true
It's gone to late cannot go back
And even if you were raped
It would not change one fucking thing

In some way I wish I knew
If you were really raped
I know it would not change a thing
And yet I still wish to know

Calm my mind and give me peace
Take away all that doubt
Would let me know if you were real
Alt least then when doubt was none

That Christmas came and New Year past
I was alone you did not come
That party took away that chance
Or at least that's what you said

And with new year that one year came
The anniversary of that day
When my love I first confessed
That love you claimed to return

We plot and planned once again
For that day we could meet
You said you loved me once again
Was it true I do not know

In the days that quickly passed
In the space of but a week
That love was over so you said
I do not love you is what you said

Broke my heart you did that day
Love could only go so far
Could not bridge a thousand miles
It seemed that love had finally failed

Strong I really tried to be
Tell myself that it would happen
Convince myself that my fault not
Did not listen to the signs

And yet to this day I find myself
Questioning those so-called signs
Were you really forced in to it
Was it really so-called rape

You called for help not long after
Begged forgiveness and claimed rape
People around me said not to listen
Ignored them I did and listened to you

Date in secret once again
For a time that was not long
Said you loved me once again
Said I loved you always still

And then the bombshell again was dropped
Carrying a child is what you said
My heart again broke into pieces
At the thought of a rapist child

Secret dating ended then
Gave up then rightly so
Could not win for no hope
Not when carrying rapist child

Tried to keep me in your life
Play the Godfather to rapist child
In your life I longed to be
For that reason I agreed

I wished to kill him in my wake
Watch the light leave his eyes
Gratification much I'd get
If he died by my hand

Days and nights went passing by
The truth spoke not but you or I
Fear for you in those days
Beat and kill you afraid he would

And then surprise one day bring
Free of him said you were
Could not believe it was true
Dream come true I felt it was

Our love started once again
Hope again there was again
That maybe you and I could be
Man and Wife one day be

The days went by very slowly
Long summer day talking much
Innocent you were no more
Older wiser I thought I was

Still I wondered to myself
Could you be real or maybe fake
Was it love or was it rape
Between you two at that time

Could I have known at the time
Should I have known at the time
A sign of things that were to come
Was all that became of that time

Still the love grew very much
At least that's what you told me
I believe you like a fool
Told you I love you once again

In those days I promise you
Father to him I would be
You agreed to let me be
Was not hard to say that

Soon the days of summer ended
To a school I walked in
First time in four years long
People around me once again

Relationships plenty all around
No long distance did they have
Single women for mine eyes
Second thoughts hit me hard

Thoughts deep down surfaced now
Were you honest were you lying
Started to think consciously
Harder it became day by day

Faithful to you I really stayed
Believe it or not I care not
Tempted time and time again
Did not fall for loved you so

In those days the love was weak
I knew that I could never leave
I knew that you would never leave
And then you did it once again

That day I remember to this day
Wanted out is what you said
Let you go I did not want
Let you go I so did want

Agreed to end things once again
Broke my heart only some
Single now I once again
In a place so new to me

You were dating within a week
I was single still in time
You were sleeping within a month
I was virgin until the end

There was someone in those days
Date her so wanted but could not
People thought that we were
People thought that we should

Do not know why we did not
Better off I'd probably be
Or maybe not I do not know
Like you cheating I'll never know

Days into weeks and weeks into months
Time moved on never ceasing
That steady army works against me
Hated us from the start

Loving you killed me so
You sleeping with him killed me so
When he left you were in pain
You in pain killed me so

Told me not to take you back
Two men you have been with now
Maybe more I do not know
Told me to avoid you like the plague

I know now I should have listened
Save myself from pain unfound
Leave before attached I became
Start anew with someone here

But I still loved you at the time
And back to you I gladly went
Again the words of love were said
Again the truth were you speaking

In those days so long ago
I do not know what you felt
Eight months pregnant with rapist child
Patience none did you have

And yet those words of love were said
Once again by all parties
I meant them every time
Sure as sun raise in East

As that sun would slowly rise
To it would I daily look
Wonder if you did the same
As the sun set in the West

Distance far between us lay
Far greater than any before or since
Four shy two by that time
Thought I knew you and you knew me

If I knew what was to come
If I knew the pain that followed
I would have left you like a smart
I would have never been a fool

Yet I did become a fool
Once again to you I ran
In my life your love again
I allowed like a fool

Eight months pregnant at that time
Father again I'd said I'd be
Thank you I love you is what you said
I love you too the fool I was

I wished I was there to be with you
Repeated words you said to me
I trusted you with my life
I trusted you with my heart

Said to you in many ways
How I felt inside my heart
They seem nice was all you said
If that much you said to me

I wrote you songs of my love
Remember them to this day
Play them sometimes dead of night
Better times remembered then

Day by day you ignored it all
Words of love could never fill
They never bridged that large gap
They never filled that large hole

Day by day the chances slimmed
Odd of us ever meeting
Hurt me then and hurts me now
Facing East as I write

Day by day the love grew dim
Admit it to myself did not
Knew the truth despite that
Love renewed I hoped would come

Day by day the day drew near
Day your son was to be born
Had always dreamt he would be mine
Was not to be so it seemed

In the space of a month
From the time I love you
To a son you gave birth
Remember it like yesterday

I could not be there to help you
Killed me more than thought possible
Perfect solution I thought I had
Need few weeks to make it work

In those weeks our love grew
At least I thought I could be wrong
With that in mind the plotting started
Once again only without you

Closer the day came around
Make or break me it would do
Only plan of which made sense
Or at least that would keep you

The day came after weeks
Christmas morn dawned bright and pure
Talked with you late that night
After presents and food consumed

Did not want to in this fashion
Wished to be there holding you
At the time when I spoke
Those five words old and pure

Will you please marry me
I asked you dead of night
Words spoke softly so not to wake
I knew my parents would kill me

You were silent for a time
Maybe seconds maybe days
With but a sigh you gave an answer
A soft yes was all you said

I did not think at the time
Of why you sighed at the time
From relief could it have been
I told myself at the time

In retrospect I should have known
Why you sighed when you did
I was young and innocent
You were not anymore

Nonetheless engaged you said
Nonetheless engage I said
Planned the wedding we both started
Double wedding in the sixth

And so the days turned to week
And so the weeks turned to months
End of second was our second
Swore to you we've many more

Spring break coming very soon
See each other we decided
You'd come here with your son
Family and I would put you up

That soon ended by the state
Stuck right there you would be
Change of plans I decided
I'd go there and be with you

And then that day I come to hate
Eighth of March two thousand eight
You were distant in the morn
Should have been the biggest clue

Worked myself almost to death
Please my father in all hopes
Pay my way to go there
Hold you finally in my arms

Broke my heart instead you did
Once again I'm not surprised
Can not love you anymore
Were the words you spoke to me

Numb I was to everything
Parents saying I told you so
Sisters caring not at all
Continuing living I wanted not

Fifth of vodka I consumed
Maybe more cannot remember
A nine inch nail I took in hand
Hurt myself that night I would

Against my throat I held it gently
Take the plunge I so wanted
End it all one last time
I so wanted to take the plunge

In the end I could not
Did not know why at the time
Nothing left there was for me
Only pain and broken heart

There were no calls or cries for help
In my mind that made you guilty
Talk with you I wanted not
Love you still I stupidly did

Time past slowly from that time
Take my life I tried again
Still could not make that move
Could not make that final cut

You alone knew my sides
Dark side weak side you knew them
Accepted both you so claimed
Do not know who else would

Day into week and week into month
Time marched on never ceasing
Tried to stop it really did
But time cannot be controlled

By that time with another
Best friend's husband you were with
Could not believe it was true
Knew it as over relationship was

Three years since that day have passed
To you my thought always go
Been my problem on every date
Compare them to you always do

All have failed in horrible ways
Wonder if it's because of you
Would not surprise me if that's true
For one I know is of you

First was "Helen" for a time
Five days shy of five months
Forget you I wanted above all
Tried with her I really did

Saw right through me she really did
Knew my intentions from day one
Could not be with the mess I was
Called it off to save herself

Can not blame her in retrospect
Friends instead we should have been
Thrown away in reckless gamble
Friendship again odds are not

After her came dear "Anne"
Doomed to failure from the start
Barely three months did we last
Before again single I was

And after her came "Rachael Sin"
The one with whom innocence lost
The one with whom your called ended
Remember that call I'm sure you do

Your son was killed by Child Killer
Nightmares you had at the time
Comfort you I so tried
Love me then she could not

Then biggest bombshell dropped on me
You knew what the Child Killer did
Arrested you not two days later
Never again have heard from you

I thought of you a lot since then
Just what lies have you told me
Did you ever love me so
Were two years nothing but lies

I once said I'd love you always
You once told me the exact same thing
I last through that impossible test
You dear "Tanya" always failed.

-Sean Arseo