Dawn of a New Year

As I sit here, listening to The Best is Yet to Come from the Metal Gear Solid soundtrack, loud music being pushed through speakers at a party next door, gunshots already filling the air, I come to post my last blog of the year 2009.

This has not been a good year. While the first half was sub decent, it all started to fall apart in late June. When my ex's son was beaten to death, I almost lost it. I don't even know what kept me going. They only thing that I can even think of to have kept me going was the hope that I would see a news article about the basted who killed him being killed in prison. Probably one of the few things that is still keeping me going.

Then in September, my little sister was rushed to Loma Linda close to death. She was a pale, skinny, all bones and skin copy of my sister. Had she died, I don't know what I would have done. But she didn't die. I came back from the church to the place we were staying and saw her sitting at the table with my parents eating dinner, and for the first time in God knows how many years almost cried in front of someone. The fact that I sat in my car crying after coming home to get some stuff to take back to the place doesn't count.

They say for a new year, you're supposed to look back at the good and embrace it. You look at the bad and then look to the future for how to fix it. I don't know how I can do that now. For me, 2009 will have two memories forever engraved into my mind. Holly's heartbroken voice as she told me JT had died, and seeing my sister sitting there eating dinner after being released from the hospital. The bad and the good.

This next year, I don't know. I don't know what it will bring. I already know my twenty-first birthday will bring nothing. I'll simply come home from class and take a drink of vodka, then never touch the stuff until that bastard is either killed in prison, or executed by the state of Louisiana. I hope to be out of this valley by this time next year, going to a four-year probably in Riverside. I'm hoping I can get into Point Loma, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

A year ago, I was lying in this very spot I am now, typing something like this. At the time, the worst of my pains from the year was my final lossing of Holly. That was my breaking point at the time. I had said that I hoped this year that is coming to a close would be better.

I was wrong.

Nevertheless, I will say the same thing I said then.





Here's to 2009, thank God she's over.

Here's to 2010, may she be a far sight better then the last one.


-Sean Arseo
11:58pm, December 31, 2009