2012

Well, as I start this, the guns are blazing outside. The ball has just touched the bottom, Auld Lang Syne is filling the air, and couples are kissing while singing along.

So, as always, I am in my bed listening to music. I have no one to kiss, no booze in the house, and no gun to shoot in the air.

I remember saying that 2011 would bring many changes for me. Well, to be fair, I said many things.

I said I would loose AT LEAST 75 pounds by this point. I didn't.

I said I would have more platonic relationships by this point and actually try to go out of my way to form them. I didn't, really.

I said that any romantic relationship I was in, I wouldn't force it. Well, I haven't really had one, so I can't say that I didn't.

I said I would not be in this shithole valley. Sadly, I'm still here.

I could spend all night and well into tomorrow morning doing this. For the sake of speed, I'll just comment on what has changed, for the good or bad.

----

*My Cross Connection is no more. We disbanded in mid-August, and haven't talked since.

*I was kicked out of CoD. While I'll admit that it wasn't to much of a loss, it did put an end to any real plans on getting out of here for a while. That also led to the longest point of time I was out of school, from late-May to mid-October, since I first started kindergarten.

*I started attending a vocational school for computer repair. Had I know then what I know now, I probably would have never stepped foot inside the place. Unfortunately hindsight is 20/20. God knows I'm familiar with that phrase.

*I have lost "some" weight. While I don't really know how much, I do know that I an fit into clothes I would never have been able to wear this time last year.

*I actually have a few more friends than I did a year ago. I suppose that can go either way, but they are decent people.

*I have a workable plan to get out of here now.

----

So, 2012 is here. They say the world is supposed to end this year.

Well, we'll find out...

Long Time...

Well, it has been some time. So...what's new?

My laptop, that broke the first week of class last semester (Spring '11) should be repaired sometime this weekend. So, I should be able to write and update things after a long time.

I tried my hand in writing Fourteen Days as a short film for a local Christian company. They didn't take it (claimed it had to many voice overs, not enough dialog to expand characters, and to much of an emphesis on sex), so I'm now doing it as it was meant to be for, as a feature length film. I'm coming to about seventy percent complete or so, at eighty-four typed pages.

My Cross Connection has, for the moment, been put on hiatus. Our drummer left, and I've had time issues these past few weeks, so there hasn't been much going on in that front. Hoping to be back in the studio on Tuesday next week though, if for nothing else than to not grow rusty.

In other news, I'm still single, still live in this hell called the Coachella Valley, and still wish to leave. Oh, and I've been kicked out of school.

Fun, huh?

To "Tanya"

This is the longest poem I've written to date, coming in at four hundred twenty-eight (428) lines, and a month to finish.



Cannot believe how times has flown
Since that day so long ago
It's been five years since the day
Biggest mistake I've ever made

How could I have known at the time
Just all that you would do to me
I had no idea at the time
That you would drive me to brink of death

At the time all was good
On this day five years ago
The world seemed brighter because of you
In truth but the calm before the storm

I could not know how things have gone
Those days were lonely just like now
I was weak in those days unlike now
Truly innocent I was in those days

It was this day five years ago
When those words at first I uttered
How I wish I never did
I love you not for lies you were

At the time the love was hidden
Parents I knew would always fight
I know all that was what would happen
So I love you not was what I said

In those days the love was innocent
There was no way I could have known
Did not listen to those who know
Wish I had but cannot go back

Maybe then the love was real
I cannot say if it was
In those days I was young
There is no way I can know

In those days we always plot
Think of ways that we could meet
Dreamt of ways we could stay
Stupid foolish they all were

Thinking back upon those days
I cannot fathom how we did
We fell in love or so I thought
Now in hindsight I know the truth

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty
I say bullshit to all of them
Of course we know in the end
Does not help us when needed most

Those days were innocent that is true
I lived here and you lived there
Thousand miles lay between
There was nothing that could be done

The sexuality was greatly stunted
Save for webcams that exchanged
Said the things that we would do
Were it not for thousand miles

The days of innocence would not last
Fell apart before a year
That night I'm sure you remember
The night you know changed it all

You claimed rape is what they did
I believe you at the time
You had no reason to lie to me
I loved you and you loved me

In the nights and days that passed
I often thought of that night
Things have often made no sense
Love had blinded but no longer

Were you raped on that night
By that bastard with a gun
You said they drugged you made you drink
But you were able to talk straight

I cannot know if it were true
It's gone to late cannot go back
And even if you were raped
It would not change one fucking thing

In some way I wish I knew
If you were really raped
I know it would not change a thing
And yet I still wish to know

Calm my mind and give me peace
Take away all that doubt
Would let me know if you were real
Alt least then when doubt was none

That Christmas came and New Year past
I was alone you did not come
That party took away that chance
Or at least that's what you said

And with new year that one year came
The anniversary of that day
When my love I first confessed
That love you claimed to return

We plot and planned once again
For that day we could meet
You said you loved me once again
Was it true I do not know

In the days that quickly passed
In the space of but a week
That love was over so you said
I do not love you is what you said

Broke my heart you did that day
Love could only go so far
Could not bridge a thousand miles
It seemed that love had finally failed

Strong I really tried to be
Tell myself that it would happen
Convince myself that my fault not
Did not listen to the signs

And yet to this day I find myself
Questioning those so-called signs
Were you really forced in to it
Was it really so-called rape

You called for help not long after
Begged forgiveness and claimed rape
People around me said not to listen
Ignored them I did and listened to you

Date in secret once again
For a time that was not long
Said you loved me once again
Said I loved you always still

And then the bombshell again was dropped
Carrying a child is what you said
My heart again broke into pieces
At the thought of a rapist child

Secret dating ended then
Gave up then rightly so
Could not win for no hope
Not when carrying rapist child

Tried to keep me in your life
Play the Godfather to rapist child
In your life I longed to be
For that reason I agreed

I wished to kill him in my wake
Watch the light leave his eyes
Gratification much I'd get
If he died by my hand

Days and nights went passing by
The truth spoke not but you or I
Fear for you in those days
Beat and kill you afraid he would

And then surprise one day bring
Free of him said you were
Could not believe it was true
Dream come true I felt it was

Our love started once again
Hope again there was again
That maybe you and I could be
Man and Wife one day be

The days went by very slowly
Long summer day talking much
Innocent you were no more
Older wiser I thought I was

Still I wondered to myself
Could you be real or maybe fake
Was it love or was it rape
Between you two at that time

Could I have known at the time
Should I have known at the time
A sign of things that were to come
Was all that became of that time

Still the love grew very much
At least that's what you told me
I believe you like a fool
Told you I love you once again

In those days I promise you
Father to him I would be
You agreed to let me be
Was not hard to say that

Soon the days of summer ended
To a school I walked in
First time in four years long
People around me once again

Relationships plenty all around
No long distance did they have
Single women for mine eyes
Second thoughts hit me hard

Thoughts deep down surfaced now
Were you honest were you lying
Started to think consciously
Harder it became day by day

Faithful to you I really stayed
Believe it or not I care not
Tempted time and time again
Did not fall for loved you so

In those days the love was weak
I knew that I could never leave
I knew that you would never leave
And then you did it once again

That day I remember to this day
Wanted out is what you said
Let you go I did not want
Let you go I so did want

Agreed to end things once again
Broke my heart only some
Single now I once again
In a place so new to me

You were dating within a week
I was single still in time
You were sleeping within a month
I was virgin until the end

There was someone in those days
Date her so wanted but could not
People thought that we were
People thought that we should

Do not know why we did not
Better off I'd probably be
Or maybe not I do not know
Like you cheating I'll never know

Days into weeks and weeks into months
Time moved on never ceasing
That steady army works against me
Hated us from the start

Loving you killed me so
You sleeping with him killed me so
When he left you were in pain
You in pain killed me so

Told me not to take you back
Two men you have been with now
Maybe more I do not know
Told me to avoid you like the plague

I know now I should have listened
Save myself from pain unfound
Leave before attached I became
Start anew with someone here

But I still loved you at the time
And back to you I gladly went
Again the words of love were said
Again the truth were you speaking

In those days so long ago
I do not know what you felt
Eight months pregnant with rapist child
Patience none did you have

And yet those words of love were said
Once again by all parties
I meant them every time
Sure as sun raise in East

As that sun would slowly rise
To it would I daily look
Wonder if you did the same
As the sun set in the West

Distance far between us lay
Far greater than any before or since
Four shy two by that time
Thought I knew you and you knew me

If I knew what was to come
If I knew the pain that followed
I would have left you like a smart
I would have never been a fool

Yet I did become a fool
Once again to you I ran
In my life your love again
I allowed like a fool

Eight months pregnant at that time
Father again I'd said I'd be
Thank you I love you is what you said
I love you too the fool I was

I wished I was there to be with you
Repeated words you said to me
I trusted you with my life
I trusted you with my heart

Said to you in many ways
How I felt inside my heart
They seem nice was all you said
If that much you said to me

I wrote you songs of my love
Remember them to this day
Play them sometimes dead of night
Better times remembered then

Day by day you ignored it all
Words of love could never fill
They never bridged that large gap
They never filled that large hole

Day by day the chances slimmed
Odd of us ever meeting
Hurt me then and hurts me now
Facing East as I write

Day by day the love grew dim
Admit it to myself did not
Knew the truth despite that
Love renewed I hoped would come

Day by day the day drew near
Day your son was to be born
Had always dreamt he would be mine
Was not to be so it seemed

In the space of a month
From the time I love you
To a son you gave birth
Remember it like yesterday

I could not be there to help you
Killed me more than thought possible
Perfect solution I thought I had
Need few weeks to make it work

In those weeks our love grew
At least I thought I could be wrong
With that in mind the plotting started
Once again only without you

Closer the day came around
Make or break me it would do
Only plan of which made sense
Or at least that would keep you

The day came after weeks
Christmas morn dawned bright and pure
Talked with you late that night
After presents and food consumed

Did not want to in this fashion
Wished to be there holding you
At the time when I spoke
Those five words old and pure

Will you please marry me
I asked you dead of night
Words spoke softly so not to wake
I knew my parents would kill me

You were silent for a time
Maybe seconds maybe days
With but a sigh you gave an answer
A soft yes was all you said

I did not think at the time
Of why you sighed at the time
From relief could it have been
I told myself at the time

In retrospect I should have known
Why you sighed when you did
I was young and innocent
You were not anymore

Nonetheless engaged you said
Nonetheless engage I said
Planned the wedding we both started
Double wedding in the sixth

And so the days turned to week
And so the weeks turned to months
End of second was our second
Swore to you we've many more

Spring break coming very soon
See each other we decided
You'd come here with your son
Family and I would put you up

That soon ended by the state
Stuck right there you would be
Change of plans I decided
I'd go there and be with you

And then that day I come to hate
Eighth of March two thousand eight
You were distant in the morn
Should have been the biggest clue

Worked myself almost to death
Please my father in all hopes
Pay my way to go there
Hold you finally in my arms

Broke my heart instead you did
Once again I'm not surprised
Can not love you anymore
Were the words you spoke to me

Numb I was to everything
Parents saying I told you so
Sisters caring not at all
Continuing living I wanted not

Fifth of vodka I consumed
Maybe more cannot remember
A nine inch nail I took in hand
Hurt myself that night I would

Against my throat I held it gently
Take the plunge I so wanted
End it all one last time
I so wanted to take the plunge

In the end I could not
Did not know why at the time
Nothing left there was for me
Only pain and broken heart

There were no calls or cries for help
In my mind that made you guilty
Talk with you I wanted not
Love you still I stupidly did

Time past slowly from that time
Take my life I tried again
Still could not make that move
Could not make that final cut

You alone knew my sides
Dark side weak side you knew them
Accepted both you so claimed
Do not know who else would

Day into week and week into month
Time marched on never ceasing
Tried to stop it really did
But time cannot be controlled

By that time with another
Best friend's husband you were with
Could not believe it was true
Knew it as over relationship was

Three years since that day have passed
To you my thought always go
Been my problem on every date
Compare them to you always do

All have failed in horrible ways
Wonder if it's because of you
Would not surprise me if that's true
For one I know is of you

First was "Helen" for a time
Five days shy of five months
Forget you I wanted above all
Tried with her I really did

Saw right through me she really did
Knew my intentions from day one
Could not be with the mess I was
Called it off to save herself

Can not blame her in retrospect
Friends instead we should have been
Thrown away in reckless gamble
Friendship again odds are not

After her came dear "Anne"
Doomed to failure from the start
Barely three months did we last
Before again single I was

And after her came "Rachael Sin"
The one with whom innocence lost
The one with whom your called ended
Remember that call I'm sure you do

Your son was killed by Child Killer
Nightmares you had at the time
Comfort you I so tried
Love me then she could not

Then biggest bombshell dropped on me
You knew what the Child Killer did
Arrested you not two days later
Never again have heard from you

I thought of you a lot since then
Just what lies have you told me
Did you ever love me so
Were two years nothing but lies

I once said I'd love you always
You once told me the exact same thing
I last through that impossible test
You dear "Tanya" always failed.

-Sean Arseo

Writing, My Cross Connection, and Class

It has been a while since I posted an actual blog entry. My past few have been poems and my usual drunken (yet written while sober) New Years post. As such, I thought I'd give some kind of new update on things.

In regards to writing, all I can say is that I haven't done much. Last week, my laptop's AC adapter broke off and fell into my laptop. At the moment, I'm fighting my sister and my mother for access to their computer while waiting for the loaner laptop I've been given to be wiped clean. I've done little work in Valley and no work in Fourteen Days. As for Poetry and Stories 2, that was put on an indefinite hold. I've written some poetry since my last post, so I suppose I can say that I have at least done SOME writing.

In regards to music, that has been moving along splendidly. At the moment, My Cross Connection is "headlining" a small music fest currently planned for May. We also feel ready to start moving on for other gigs. Of course, that also means a future trip to Guitar Center soon for new gear. Always a fun thing for musicians to do. Hopefully I'll have the money to buy a Strat during it.

We're also busy working on the next album. While we are still far from recording, there are eight songs we have on the docket for the second album, two of which are from your's truly. There is a third song I wrote that might find itself on the album, but that is still in the air. This next set of songs have something for everyone, from country to an almost Nine Inch Nails sound. Probably didn't think you could have "Christian" and "Nine Inch Nails" be in the same description.

And finally, we have classes. It's my eighth full semester at COD, and so far I am doing alright in them. I'm trying to get as much of my English supplemental work out of the way so I have time to deal with my speech class. I got a good feeling about this semester. I actually have all the books I need (sort of), and plan on staying on top of things.

Lets hope in four months when I get my final grades, I can say the same thing...

...oh, and as always, I'm still single. Maybe I'll meet someone this semester. Maybe...

...can always hope...

...maybe...?

...yeah, I'm not holding my breath either...

Why Oh God?

Written while my sister was in Loma Linda last week. Written as a prayer to God regarding my sister's sickness.


Why Oh God?

Why oh God is this happening
Is this because of my sins
If that's true than this I ask
Why to her and not to me

Once before I asked this question
Receive an answer I knew not
Why Should I question You
Though valid question I believe it is

Read before of same things
David's son taken young
I do not want that to happen
Though better place I know she'd be

I cannot help her have no skill
Music and writing cannot save her
Medicine and science it will take
Knowledge of them I have not

I cannot help her kills me so
It tortures my soul every day
It haunts my dreams every night
Pictures of carrying a child's coffin

Why oh God is this happening
Why is she going through it
She loves You Lord with all her heart
So what purpose does this have

Most people would have left
If they went through what she does
She's never faltered in her faith
She's staying true even now

Are You doing this to test
One of us for a reason
Do not know what it is
That you need to test her for

I ask you when my Lord my God
When will this test be over
How far will you push her Lord
How much more must she endure

Her whole life she has to look
But thirteen and barely started
What possible reason could there be
To put her through such a thing

Why oh God is this happening
Why is it her and not me
Why my God can I not
Take that burden in her place

I am a sinner of the worst
Upon me would no one question
Why these things would be happening
Answer obvious to us all

I may have changed that is true
To You I have turned again
But still a sinner of the worst
I've been forgiven but I can't forget

I still fall into my old sins
What to stop and yet I don't
So no surprise then would there be
If to me her sickness fell

Want this sickness I do not
But take that cup in a heartbeat
To free her from her horrid pain
I would do anything

Why oh God is this happening
How can this serve Your purpose
How can this be Your will
Why does she go through this

Heal her fully of this sickness
You can do with but a touch
I beg You please my Lord my God
Heal her fully of this sickness

I ask You why my Lord my God
Do you not heal of this sickness
How can this serve Your purpose
How can this be Your will

Your purpose and will we cannot know
It's not for us to understand
Have faith and trust in You I know
Is all that I can do for her

I know that You can heal her Lord
I know in time You will heal her
Until then all I can do
Is wait and pray for her health

Heal her fully of this sickness
You can do with but a touch
I beg You please my Lord my God
Heal her fully of this sickness

-Sean Arseo

Here We Are Once Again

Here we are in the dying hour of the year 2010, and once again I'm writing a blog about it. I read my old post I wrote a year ago, and I must say that things did not come out like I expected them to. I remember saying that my birthday would bring one drink of vodka and then I would never touch the stuff again. While I may not be an alcholic, I do drink a bit (had a rum and coke with dinner, and will probably have another one here soon to ring in the new year). I said I would be at a four-year in Riverside by this time. Well, I screwed up my audition, so I'm still stuck at good ol' College of the Desperate...I mean Desert. I had said that I hoped to have a decent paying job and a girlfriend. Jobs were a bust and the girlfriend told me I was am a horrible friend and would have been a worse boyfriend not one week ago.

Wow...at least I can't say I didn't live life a little this past year. Sure, I haven't partied and gotten so drunk that I don't remember how I got into bed with some complete stranger (dodged that bullet earlier in the year), but I did drink. I've gambled a bit.

My year, save turning twenty-one back in May, was pretty dull until September rolled around, and I joined My Cross Connection. That has been my year thus far. In the time since, things have started to fall into place. I've changed churchs, actually found God this time, and found new possiblities that I didn't know were there until now.

So here I am...same place I was last year and the year before, listening to the same song. I'm still in the same place, the same room. I'm still single, hence sitting alone in a room writing this. Every year, I tell myself that I will be somewhere else, that I won't be single. And every time it comes down to the actual writing of these little things, I am alone in the same place.

So next year...2011. I don't know. I know that next year, I will hopefully be recording a few songs that I wrote. I would like to have Fourteen Days complete enough that I can start looking for agents by this time next year. I'd like to actually...

Yeah, key words..."I'd like" really do seem to show what kind of mentallity I have. I would like to have a girlfriend this time next year, a job this time next year, be in a school that's not COD this time next year. I know I can do the first and the last one easily enough. I know that if I suck it up I could have a job tomorrow. But I've had enough of crap relationships, nor do I really care to have another FWB type of relationship. I don't want to go back to them. And I would not be able to sanely pay off the loans I would need to get for just one year and all but one of the places I can get in to (ironically enough the place I'm feeling pulled to).

So where does that leave me?

A lot has happened this past year. A lot of crap things have happened this year. And yet, in a strange way, a lot of good has happened as well. There has been a lot of change happen for me in the past few months, really starting from the moment I walked in Desert Foursquare there in PDHS and met those people. Now yeah, there is still a lot of work I need to have happen. It's caused part of me to wonder if it means I'm truly meant to be alone like I've thought many many times over the past few years (ironically enough...on New Years Eve...probably why I barricade myself in my room).

A part of her parting comment to my a week ago was true. Part of me really does feel the need to be alone. Maybe it's to protect someone, I don't know. The way I see it, if I screw up and fail, then the only person who will suffer is me. There will be no wife and kids that I will be responsible for. And yet at the same time, I don't want to be alone.

Wow...believe it or not, I'm not drunk (yet). I'm still sober (for the moment). Don't really have enough rum to get drunk on rum and cokes, and I don't really care for OJ so there will be no screwdrivers in my immidiate future. Guess I could always drink the vodka straight up. Seems like as good a night as any to get completely shitfaced drunk and try and forget the past few years...months...weeks...

...days...

I don't know what the future holds for me. I know this house will be silent the next time my sister has to go to Loma Linda for something other than her remecade treatments because of my dog dying last week (Christmas morning, actually). I know that in my heart, I do believe 2011 will be a better year.

In the dying minutes of 2010, I find myself in shock. So much has happened in all honesty that I find myself surprised I'm still as sane as I am. And know that it has all just begun. The year 2010 had myself relying on myself to get things done, and in my pride I failed. I think it's time to change that.

For 2011, I plan to not rely on myself for things. I've done that, and it failed. It's time I start to live my life for God, and pray for the strength I need to get through the day. That is what I need to do now.

Last year, I was listening to Wish You Were Here as I wrote this, Pink Floyd's somber song. This year, I thinking I'm going to rock out with The Time Has Come by Hillsong.

Let that be my attitude for 2011.

Here's to 2010. The changes have started, and thank God for that.

Here's to 2011, where those changes will see fruit.

-Sean Arseo
11:58pm, December 31, 2010

First New Poem for Poetry and Stories, vol. 3

Below is the first new poem written for Poetry and Stories, vol. 3 (number 2 is still being worked on by Amazon I'm guessing). This was written starting Christmas night and just finished.

Alone Again
How Ironic

Alone I am once again
Terrible friend I have become
Lovers but once dead of night
Never again can not take back

Time and again I am alone
My own doing usually is
Have I learned from all this
Know I must or alone I'll be

Your parting comment still rings deep
Haunting me in sleepless night
Know it is truth you do speak
Hurts me more than yells and screams

Parting words I wish I had
Tell you my fault it was not
Tell you how it was yours
Strung me along like a fool

Maybe remind you of the time
When that trust first was broken
Remember then I'm sure you do
You yelled at me for helping you

Break apart we started then
Far more distant we became
Six months later it was over
Never again will we speak

Alone you said I would be
My own fault you said it was
Terrible friend I have become
Lovers but once never again

So what have I learned from all this
Can not change the past I know
Try and fix this several times
Never enough it was to late

Was it worth it after all
Knowing you all this time
My innocence with you I lost
Enjoyed it then and now regret

I did not lie to you when
Told you I was falling for you
Maybe that was what did it
Ended it for both of us

Always seemed to hit a wall
Come this closer but no closer
Emotions never given back
Always led to one conclusion

Fake emotions they must have been
Products of that lonely night
Constant reminder of my sins
Committed just to forget

Love you I could never do
Let me love you you did not
Refused to love me from day one
Friends with benefits instead we seemed

Wish those nights had not happened
Wish I had not taken that call
Wish we had crossed that line
Maybe then you'd still be here

Alone forever you said I'd be
My own fault you said it'd be
The truth I know is what you speak
Never a riddle comes from you

Do I care if I'm alone
Don't really know if I do
Seems to change day to day
With the setting of the sun

Loved by someone I so guess
Want to feel once again
Thought that maybe you were her
Seems I was wrong once again

So here I am once again
Alone but for pen and paper
How ironic I find that
Full circle now have I come

Forget you I know I must do
Make it easy I know you will
You say I ignored you all this time
When in truth you were ignoring me